Don't Quit, Miss D!!

I saw one of my students who has not been coming to class and pretended to look shocked. He's a good kid. He said he's been really depressed and has been having a hard time waking up.

MissD: You're alive.
Dean: Yes. Miss D, you're a cool teacher. I...well, I was gonna say something else. Some of the kids don't like you, but it's for really stupid reasons. And I think you're a cool teacher.
MissD: Like what?
Dean: I don't want to say. It's dumb.
MissD: You might as well tell me. I've actually heard all. (I had just suspended Sassy from class today for calling me retarded.)
Dean: well, some of the kids don't like you because you don't play piano very well.
MissD: Yeah, I have a pretty serious injury, but I can still tell people how do do fingerings and coach them to make it better.
Dean: And some say you don't have a commanding enough personality. (Hmmm...that's interesting, people always told me I was bossy.) And some don't like how you dress.
MissD: That's really funny about how I dress. Some of them think I wear black too much. Whatever.
Dean: Like I said, it's for dumb reasons.
Another student rolled out on a computer chair while we were talking.
MissD: It's because I'm following the Mr. M...
Dean: My only issue is that you could have spent more time with me practicing even though I never come to class.
MissD: I can only spend a short time with each person, besides, there's just no getting around pressing your own fingers to the keys to improve.
Mark: Miss D, you're not going to quit are you? You're really cool. (He was one of the kids I observed for senior projects) And you have really pretty eyes. I just noticed that. (I winked at him.)
MissD: Thanks. I've heard there are teachers who quit halfway through the year.
Cali: One teacher called me a little bitch in front of the whole class and read my diary to everyone. I was so embarrassed.
MissD: Are you serious? I would never do that. (Though I have called kids snotty for answering back.)
Cali: But then Mr. S came and he was really nice.
Mark: Well, next year will be better, and the year after that, no one will remember Mr. M at all. Don't quit Miss D.
MissD: I'll think about what you said.

Another kid I had really liked at first but then had to kick out of my class for singing about Hitler killing the jews and sexual harrassment (directed at ME!) was eavesdropping on the conversation.

They don't know it's already too late. It's so sad. Some of these kids are really sweet and they aren't even my students. Maybe if I had some of these students, I wouldn't be in the place where I am today. Cali is one of my students, though.

It's Not Me, It's YOU!

Have you ever got involved in a relationship and once you were commited it just wasn't working? I'm in just such a situation now and, well, it's not working. Only it isn't a romantic relationship, it's a job!

I know where I have gone wrong, but I have to shift the blame alot to them. I walked into the situation naively thinking things would all work out in the end. I had no books, no accompanist, no list of performances, no list of expectations, no list of prior repertoire, didn't have the same kids because most quit choir as soon as the other teacher said he was leaving, and there wasn't anyone holding my hand to make sure everything went OK.

How messed up is it? Well, I never would have gone into it if the job description had been accurate--and I told them this in my letter of recommendation. Well, apparently they haven't and won't learn anything anytime soon. They really think I'm the problem. But the problem I have is that they asked me to teach a class that I wasn't expecting to teach--piano. Why didn't they SAY they were looking for a choir and piano teacher?

Well, wouldn't you know it, this time around the flyer says the same thing, choral music teacher. Some people never learn--but I've learned something. It's not always my fault, and that's important to know. Sometimes you can walk into a sick system that isn't going to get better anytime soon. They want to think I'm the problem, well let them.

I have to admit, it was really discouraging to find the job posting flyer in my box today. Soon everyone will know. It will leak to the kids and that will be it. Some might be happy about me moving on. Some are going to be devastated. Sure, they were bad, but maybe they were so bad because they thought I woud always be there, kind of like they do with their parents.

Part of me wants to storm into the office and ask them if they are crazy. But the other part of me is making sure I take all my stuff with me and making sure I hide all the piano books so the next person does just as much freaking out as I did, tearing through all the filing cabinets looking for all the stuff, just like I did. It's not so much doing that to the person, but doing that to the district. I will also be sure to let them leave lots of messages for me. I'm really horrible at calling people back, Lord knows! Oopsy! I swear it's all there in the office. I didn't take a thing. ;)

Hemming and Hawing

Another teacher asked me today about next year. I didn't know what to say. I told him I had a change of plans on a project becasue I wanted to be sure that the music was properly catalogued:
CoolTchr:Yeah, you want to make sure that you have a kid who's interested in making sure your music is organized.
MissD: Yeah, and these kids aren't reallu that interested, so I'm renting them out as TAs to anyone who has a need.
CoolTchr: I can definitely use one of them to help me with cleaning up lab equipment.
MissD: Sweet, I don't want their idle hands to become the devil's playthings.
CoolTchr: You can always have another kid do that next year. You ARE coming back next year.
MissD: Next year...um...
CoolTchr: Aren't you?
MissD: Well...I don't want to say either way right now...
CoolTchr: You didn't get a pink slip, did you?
MissD: Pink slip...um...well... I was almost mute with all the stuff in my head.
CoolTchr: It looks like it's complicated.
MissD: Yes, that's the best word for it. Complicated. I didn't want to get into all the details.
CoolTchr: That's OK. I can understand you wanting to plead the Fifth right now.
MissD: Yeah, I plead the Fifth.

That Family Feeling (1st day back)

My school went through the WASC accreditation visit while I was out sick. The committee went on and on about the welcome they received and the family feeling of the campus. After all I have been through lately, the only family feeling I have is of being a foster child who is about to go to another home. It made me sick to my stomach. While everyone else was happy and congratulating each other, I felt ready to throw up. I left without speaking to anyone. I just don't have the energy to deal with this any more.

I know that's mean. Congrats to them. I didn't understand the process or my role in it because I was so caught up in my own world of trying to survive a year of going between two campuses and all the other crazy stuff I have endured. I could only think of the people I liked and had worked on forming relationships with that I won't be around to develop. I understand now why teachers might be a little distant with first year teachers. They never know who will be back next year.

I also thought about the students who were so sweet about me coming back.
Miss D, the committee came and we had to sing. No accompanist, no director.
Miss D, we were really worried about you.
Miss D, where have you been?
Miss D, you owe us donuts.

(WASC stands for the Western Association of Schools and Colleges. Until this year I didn't know that they also dealt with high schools. But not all high schools have a WASC accreditation)